I don`t know if there is any other time in which technology becomes the enemy, the way it does during a breakup, split, or separation from a significant other.
No other medium in our life displays our activites and thoughts with such speed as technology. Communication, even while living on the other side of the world, bridges the gap between the known and the unknown (daily, and in more cases hourly). Where it was merely the telephone, a letter, and emails if either party wanted to break the silence, we now have to deal with Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, AIM and the status updates that come along with all of them.
In a very psychological way, it`s technological warfare.
Some may find that a dramatic comparison, yet I beg to differ. During a breakup, the telephone, websites, AIM, everything remsembles an arsenal against your emotions. Do you `play Russian Roulette and put that phone to your head`, just to say hello? Or do you go with your better judgment and distract yourself as a way to begin the grieving?
If you`re like me, it`s the status updates that throw you into a spiral. Reading so far into a phrase that fits a 145 character limit, that you could write a thesis on its own personal interpretation, according to you. When, truth be told, it may not even be about you. Twitter is interesting because everyone`s pages are pretty much open for view. There you can too easily follow the back and forth between parties in an actual conversation. How lovely for you, your emotions, and your imagination.
I feel like these websites become guns when I am in emotional peril. Checking an exs page on the wrong day, at the wrong time, will have your gut in so many knots it does literally feel like your emotions got shot. As a writer, I am a word Nazi, and already pay very close attention to the language people use. During a separation, all this does is become more magnified.
It is a push and pull with myself. I know I shouldn`t look. I know there is the possibility of severe damage afterwards….but the curiosity is daunting. In analyzing this, I also found that one of the reasons I still check is because it still gives a sense of connection to the person. I still feel like I am semi-in their life. Sometimes hurtful as it may be, it still makes me feel as though I am a part of something once shared. In a distorted way, that feels good.
This type of torture is very personal and self-inflicting. Most of us do this damage in private, while sitting in front of a computer screen in the comfort of our own misery.
My question is, `why?`
Is it simply addicitive?
As I am in week one of my own split, I am really trying to analyze my patterns, understand them, have compassion, and eventually find the least bumpy route to deal with my emotions right now. For I am currently emotionally purging. The man I have enjoyed since last Septemeber, fell in love with in May, I am now letting go of in September.
As I write about technological warfare, I am still debating on an oldschool communication. My phone has been off due to my international phone bill, and the Universe couldn`t have had better timing. An intense wine-induced episode this past weekend was one attempted phone call away from being a disaster of epic proportions.
Then there`s this letter. Nothing major, nothing all emotionally inclusive, nothing heavy…just something that we both would laugh at, and both could appreciate. I bought it with the intention of mailing it out on payday (today). But any remnants of `we` are on a break right now. I want to send this letter more than I can describe. Right now though, I know I can`t.
It hurts, and it will for awhile. But Evie is `tougher than tough times`. Bare with me y`all..